Thanks bluebicycle, I appreciate it. I know I have a great life right now. I have a great family, a job I enjoy, a great man who loves me. I just have an illness that gets me down sometimes.

I’m still having passive SI today. I’m very down. I bought more cigarettes which I feel terrible about. I know my son doesn’t want me to smoke and neither does RS. Hell, I don’t want to smoke. But when I get this depressed I lose my willpower.

I did take a shower even though I really didn’t want to. That made me feel like I accomplished something. I’m focusing on small goals. I bought McDonald’s for lunch for my son and I which I also feel guilty about but I’m trying to tell myself that at least he’s getting fed. It’s not the best food but at least I’m not letting him starve while I lay here on the couch. Right now that’s what I’m doing but I’m hoping I will be able to get up at three and go shopping. I’m not sure I will but I’m going to try.

I’m going out with my friend later who I haven’t seen in a few months. She’s very nice and supportive. I’m glad we are going to catch up. That ought to take my mind off of things. Then I will come home and go to bed early. Get ready to go to work tomorrow. Supposed to snow tonight, but only an inch. Enough to make my morning annoying because I have to clean off my car. But oh well. Monday night it’s supposed to snow more, but still only like three inches. Not enough to cancel school. Which is a shame, I could use a day off.

I see my pdoc on Tuesday. I will ask him when it’s ok to start emsam since I stopped the decongestant on Thursday. I have to explain that I didn’t start it right away because I felt better from the haldol right away. I hope he won’t be mad. I don’t know this guy. I don’t like him much. I’m just staying with him until I can get in with my old pdoc in April.

Unfortunately I had to cancel my t appt in order to see the pdoc. She said she didn’t want to go two weeks without seeing me if I’m still feeling bad so I’m gonna text her tomorrow to tell her I still don’t feel well and ask if she has another appointment available or if she can do a phone session with me. She does tele-sessions when one of us can’t make it into the office.

I’m listening to my positive playlist in an attempt to get myself in a better frame of mind. I’m doing all I can.