First off thanks to all who responded. Even if you had nothing to offer other than that you can relate. Hopefully you'll have read a response here that helps, or just feel a little better having one more person to relate to.



I get that notion that maybe something drastic will 'wake you up'. About 10 years ago i was informed (in my early 30s) that i would need a kidney transplant. Once i left i had wondered if this situation would have some profound effect on me, as you often hear about. But it really seemed to change nothing.

I believe that the only good that comes from nothing happening is it helps to validate that we do have a real problem. Even when life smacks us, it's not enough. So, for me, that helps. Anytime i learn something that supports who i am, or about my depression, to make it more valid, it's a good thing.

Hopefully you find find something that aids you.

Also, polar bears are my favorite animal.




I suppose, in retrospect, i made a mistake in what i said. Spoke too soon, perhaps. I do feel the internal apathy as well. It's, for me, on two fronts. external in some ways, and internal in other areas. Such as the 'not wanting to work' portion is internal apathy.

Yes, we can't escape ourselves, something i definitely relate to. So many times in my life i wished i could, or at least change so drastically who i am now virtually disappears and i become someone else. That would work too.

Looking enviously at others whose minds don't drag them down.
This is often how i felt when watching Dwight on The Office (i know many here are not from the US, so may not get the reference). Wishing to have that lack of self awareness.

Raindrop vampire? Maybe you're the one haunting my rain?





I currently do not see anyone. I lost my disability pay in 2014, i believe. And that also took away my insurance. I was only just recently approved for disability again. I was seeing a counselor before i lost everything and hope to be able to go back in the next few months once everything is rolling.

As far as eating, i don't shop, so i don't get to pick out food. Nor do i cook (which i hate doing anyways haha). I'm also a picky eater and while i think about eating healthy i am at a major disadvantage in a few areas in trying to start. And i have plenty of time to pursue hobbies, but the depression limits my capacity to find things and my apathy prevents me from doing things i already want to do.

I basically live in my bedroom 24/7. So certainly plenty of time, and it frustrates me to feel like i'm wasting so much time doing nothing of value because apathy prevents it.

Thank you for all the sympathy, encouragement and offers. I think, for now at least, being in an environment where others can relate, where speaking up won't make me feel like a burden and still be able to help others will be good for me. And hopefully learn some new things along the way.





I was always reluctant to try meds. A few years back i was in a relationship that ended and felt like my depression had too much of an effect on me in terms of relationships. So i finally gave in and started taking meds. Shortly after i went on an unexpected trip out of state and i was assured that i would be able to get a refill there. The person responsible for helping me with that simply didn't help. So after only one month of being on them i was forced to stop taking them.

I was on the smallest dose and only took them for a month but i still had a permanent change take place coming off them. Since then the idea of going back on them has freaked me out. I feel a bit incomplete now that some part of me is gone, thanks to medication.

It was hard to judge if they were doing anything at all, even at the end of the month, so i can't even say, with any certainty, that they were helping.





haha... being efficient is a default for me. I enjoy it, both as a byproduct of depression and just in knowing i have worked smart. I think being inefficient would be worse for me.

But that's the fun part of people. Different needs. Different motivations. What hinders one helps another.






Well, this thread has already made things here interesting. Feeling support by people who understand, not just sympathize from the outside, makes a surprising difference.

But seeing, even just in this thread, those that seem to be having a harder time than i am is quite the bummer.


It does always amaze me, though, seeing the broad range in which people are affected. And the affect it has on people. Some seem to shut down more. Others seem to have positive qualities enhanced (though i suspect they could never see that).

But remember, if you chose to respond here then you are still in touch, still alive and still able to care enough to say something, and that's a good sign. And it shows you have more fight than you likely realize, and feel deeper than you can see. Be proud of that.


Thanks again to all who answered (and if anyone else wants to add more, feel free).