I was raised not knowing my father. He chose to bail when he found out he got my mom pregnant. My father figure was my grandpa who was very involved and available to me. My mother was and is emotionally unavailable. I lost my Grampa when I was 11. I met someone as a teenager that I partied with and eventually found out she knew my father and she offered to set up an introduction. I thought about it for a time but ultimately said no. He bailed before I was even a person to know, he has no right to know who I have become. Sometimes I wonder how I'm shaped different growing up with no dad, but I had my Grampa for a time. And with my mom being emotionally unavailable I vowed never to hold back love and feelings for others. It's ok to break the cycle and stop doing what was done to or around you. My sister is the same way. Very loving and understanding with her kids and husband. Polar opposite from mom. Her dad I know nothing of either.