I'm sorry you are struggling with this.

While you may be experiencing a certain peace in relation to your suicidal thoughts, it's not the kind of peace one might hope for I wouldn't think. If you are actually feeling suicidal it's important to reach out, in real life, for help. Here are links to 3 articles, from PC's archives, that (hopefully) may be of some help. The first 2 are by DocJohn.
Suicidal? Don't Throw Away Your Shot
Suicidal? What Van Gogh's Life Can Teach You
How to Survive Suicidal Thoughts
Please take care...