Ok so I had both of my second sessions today. I'll briefly recap each and then post about what I've decided going forward

Older T.... this is the guy I originally saw when I began searching again, he was very knowledgable and gave a good handout the first time, he's the one who had the no outside contact policy.

So I went in with fairly good hopes, since he was pretty useful last time. I was about to gag in the lobby because it legit smelled like a dirty diaper. Idk why....I didn't see anything odd in the garbage.

Anyway, he was 2 min late coming out today. Right away just asked for the paper he gave me last time, just something where I write my therapy goals. He looked at it and said ok. Then put it down. I was like "Well, I got notes this time, if you wanna read them" He said sure. It was basically a list of many of the reoccurring thoughts I get in regards to this issue. He read it and said that many of them were good things to discuss and he made a copy. Then he sat down and grabbed another handout about feelings. He rambled on endlessly about it, I kept trying to say things and he kept talking, I was rather annoyed.

So then he finally shut up, lol... and brought up my trust issues, and was going on about that a bit. I was answering his questions but again, was seeing the time go near end on the clock and thinking, um is the issues on the list ever going to come up?? I was about to say something when he stood up and said good luck on your surgery, contact me for another session after... I looked at the time on my way out, 43 minutes. His standard is 50. I was quite irritated by that.

Another thing about him was he was asking something odd about how I'd feel if I came and the door was locked. I was like "I don't think I'd care, I'd just go home" LOL I didn't get why he asked that, was kinda bummer that he was off his game today but that's ok, the drive is a nightmare anyway so it made it a easier choice

So I went home feeling like ok, well, I need to approach it better next session because I can let this guy go off on some nonsense tangent either. I was a bit more prepared but I get in and he asks me to answer a few questions, the company requires a treatment plan and we had to go over it. Mentally I was like (not this **** again) but I answered and signed it, he actually put quite a bit of work into it... I was impressed when I looked at my own copy.

Then he put the laptop away and was asking how my weekend was and we talked briefly about my surgery anxiety. I didn't mention that I may not have it after reading the risks but anyway... I gave him my notes, he read them and then goes "The main thing I'm getting from these, is uncertainty... I get with anxiety how that can be really tough to manage" so then we began to talk about specific T related things... finally! He asked me to describe my final session and asked alot about it, then he asked some hypothetical things like "If you saw him tomorrow, what would you say" and he tried to help me see things a bit different. He says he will use some CBT and DBT stuff for this.... and he says he is very into structures and plans and also very willing to accommodate needs if he can... like he asked if I had any of the items on his desk I would like to hold....

He told me that he's so new he doesnt have email or voicemail and that he currently shares that office with other therapist... that's the only crap thing, because I hate not being able to have direct contact if there is concerns etc. Anyway.... so last week was 45 min but on my treatment plan I noticed it said 52. I asked about it and I guess 45 is company standard but 52 is insurance max and it's what he recommends for me right now. He also has me listed as "weekly" but said, he is happy to do 2x a week if need be or bi weekly, depending on how I'm feeling.

He's a bit chatty... and this place is more pricey but its also right now the road from me. I have to say, I had MANY reservations about a new, younger T, but he really stepped up today.

I even talked this time about I am very scared of saying things here because he pushed boundaries often and some things are very much things others would say "report that" and he said "I would never tell you what to do, I could suggest things but it's up to you and I never got the idea that you wanted to report so it's not a concern" He was very accepting of the things I chose to tell him and he understand "You basically feel like you lost a really good friend, not just a therapist" and I said "YES" (I didn't admit to feeling like I'm in love with him yet but if I see him again, I will. I think that's a huge factor in my reactions)

Right now I'm unsure if I want to go therapy any further, because of the cost, my insurance is crap and barely covers any of it, but I also, feel that after I recover (assuming I still have it) and I feel I need it still, this younger guy will be my choice. He has a few things that are not the best but in my mind, I already had gold.... so I wont find that again anyway

Oh and this guy, the younger one, gave me journaling homework that seems like it might be really good and helpful for me