PsychoPhil, I have done a small amount of meditation. I usually enjoy it when i do it but its hard to start and continue. Just another phase I go through, meditation and affirmations, I really like them for a while and then its just over. I seriously have no clue how anyone does anything consistently, it feels impossible for me.

I really dont like the church system after growing up in it although a few times I have thought of going just to be have "something" with other people, I havent though. I dont have any friends, well one person has had me over for coffee a couple times in the past year so I guess that is a friend.

You are right about the depression. It was often so bad I literally would lay on the floor wherever I was in the house at the time and not be able to get up for hours.

I think my first bigger hypomanic episode was in the fall before I had the worst depressive episode up to that point that led me to ask for meds finally. I did think maybe I had cyclothymia because i knew something was wrong and did some research long before I ever went to a dr for help but never told them how bad i felt in those 10 years.

Rose its really hard to fight against something like this, Im glad things are a little better for you now. I imagine it wont ever go away for me but maybe it will get a little easier to not give in.

I did better yesterday, I was very happy and managed to take some of my meds at least. Today I filled my prescription and took half the pills at supper so I can hopefully get the rest down at bedtime.

Today at work I had to put together a chart of someone close to my age(im almost 30) who overdosed causing brain damage and eventually death. It was hard not to start crying. I was so close to that happening to me, od, lifeflight, all the same except I luckily came out alive and healthy somehow. how can I have even the tiniest bit of trouble doing everything possible to stop that from being a possibility. Its messed up.