Quote:
Originally Posted by PsychoPhil
Same here, I can't maintain a regular meditation practice. I need to be sufficiently at ease to be able to sit down. If I do, it calms me down and gets me into a better mood, but it really only works when I least need it. Plus it's perfectly possible to worsen manic episodes by meditation.
Church: all depends on the congregation. If people are nice I enjoy socialising. No one needs to know I don't believe in large parts of the doctrine, and I think it really doesn't matter anyway so long as it somehow shines a ray of light into my darkness.
On self-destructive tendencies: yup, have them too. I regularly self-sabotage any chances of career if I even lasted long enough. No idea why I'm doing this. Plus my crabby and irritable moods are probably hard to bear for anyone. I've been self-medicating lately and got praise for improved attitude, though. Not saying this is great. And I know alcohol is a destabilising depressant, but I still drink. Plus self-harming tendencies not otherwise specified, speaking in diagnostic jargon  |
Haha ya meditation when I am at peace in life is great. Meditation when I need to calm down feels impossible. I once tried to participate while I was mixed in IP because they did it as a group most days(before all the programs were cut). My mind ran through things so fast it was a blur and the only thing I could fully see of my thoughts was me ripping myself apart. It was super bad.
Small town, I dont like most people, feel awkward in group settings and also dont believe in it so church just wouldnt work for me. I cant seem to figure out any way to make friends though. Between having kids so young, isolating myself on purpose and being so inconsistent it feels impossible. But oh well at least I have all of you plus I still talk to some of the people from my psych ward stays they just dont live here.
I have big dreams when it comes to career but that is one of the things that makes me want to try harder while also wanting to destroy myself. Pdoc, GP, T all say I could do it but its hard to believe. I gave up for those 10 years and only really try to work towards it when im manic which only leads to me feeling even worse afterwards. I know Im smart enough but Im not stable enough. In the ER when I was loopy and the meds were taking over I told the nurses, dr, hubby that I wished I would at least kill some brain cells so I wouldnt feel bad about not reaching my potential. And I meant that, I still feel it. Im not really sure why it matters that much to me but it is a big part of why I self sabotage. Might as well ruin any chance so I wont have to feel bad about not trying anymore.
I love alcohol. Not sure I will ever give that up, I dont want to give it up. They keep telling me to go to an addiction help program or AA but I dont want to stop. Im taking Naltrexone so Im half trying I guess. Making it 1 month sucked, making it 2 months sucked but Ive ruined my record now, I feel better but want more and I like whiskey straight, beer was weak.