I joined this group to get a better understanding of myself. I've struggled with bipolar for as long as I can remember.

I have this overwhelming paranoia that people are lying to me. I'm a supervisor over several operations and I deal with issues from employees all day. I take my buspar with me and I listen to relaxing music through my bluetooth. This gets me through the day.

I trust no one in my life. I always have this feeling of being lied to and backstabbed. I live this fake life where everyone at work thinks I'm happy since I smile and motivate the team to be efficient and productive all while doing it with better communication between departments.

Beyond paranoia, nothing makes me happy. I have 3 BMWs and almost got a 4th but told myself no because it will be like the last 3. My neighbors must think I work for BMW or a drug lord, one of the two.

I also have massive rage too, I keep it at bay for the most part at work. If I need to I'll leave and take a walk, luckily I have that option.

I feel so manic all the time. I can't remember if I even have a "normal day". The meds they put me on helps a ton with my depression. Now if I get depressed I'm out of it only after a week but mostly a few days. A massive improvement from a few weeks to months of massive depression.

The only thing that makes me feel normal is when I'm busy working on a big project. I have to have a massive work load and challenging tasks or I get bored. I've been divorced 3 times now and I'm ready to move on to divorce number 4.

My sadness, I feel life in general is a constant repeat and mundane. Tomorrow I'll be having a meeting then back to solving and creating new work procedures to increase productivity and retain clients.

I've started writing a book and I've got the setting and the characters completed. I'm trying to add something new to my life because I'm so bored and I dont have anyone like myself to hang out with.

I'd like to know what others do when they feel like me? Alone, bored, and just tired of having nothing challenging to do. I'm 38 and the thought of living till I'm 80 or longer makes me sick. 42 years or more I have to find things to learn and do? Wow

I've alienated myself from my family as well. I work all the time as an excuse but it also got me promoted to an executive position under the CEO and CFO. I tend to bring my work with me everywhere and note down topics to discuss. I've created my work life as an escape from reality. No one from my work knows that I'm bipolar and I never plan to disclose that.

I have no idea who I am other than a workaholic that can work 16hrs a day 7 days a week if needed. Is there anyone bipolar that's actually happy? Not including the massive ups when manic. I have my moments when I buy something and get that happiness. That feeling goes away fast and the things I bought doesnt interests me anymore.

I'm Joe by the way.