Hello,

my long-term partner and I have hit a road block while trying to plan our next vacation, and any input on this would be very appreciated. I’ve come to a point where I can’t see the forest for the trees anymore, and our relationship is almost constantly on the verge of completely breaking apart.

We have had massive amounts of disagreements over the past two years, after living together happily for 3 and knowing each other for over a decade. It came to the point that he broke up with me several times during aggressive fights and finally threw me out of our home, and yet he would tell people that I was the one who left him. In the end, I proposed getting separate flats, because I couldn’t take the constant threat of losing my home over and over again, even though it hurt like hell to even think about living separately because I love him. It took him less than a month to find a new place to live, while I moved in with my parents because I had just lost my job and was not mentally healthy enough to support myself.

It occurred to me very slowly that there was something wrong with my partner. I didn’t understand the constant fights he picked during those 2 years, I didn’t understand how he could be so „mean“ towards someone he said he loved more than anything. At first, I honestly thought he was just in a bad mood because he had trouble at his workplace. But taking everything out on me, suicide threats, not leaving the house anymore, watching TV the whole day - that woke me up. I didn’t understand, because for me depression was different, but I figured he was depressed and tried to be supportive. He refused to see a therapist. He said there was nothing wrong with him, that I was the problem, that I was ruining his life and that I should get therapy. He finally did see a therapist and came home and triumphantly told me: „She said you are the problem, I was right!“

Now he doesn’t see a therapist anymore, because he says he has no time because of work.

I feel like there are two versions of him out there. One loves me and wants to be happy with me, the other one resents me and thinks I’m just a lazy bum.

At the moment, we are trying to patch things together again. We both can’t imagine a future without the other, and his mood has been steadily improving for the past 2 months. But now he says he wants to go on holiday, and it’s brought up all the issues again.

I can’t really afford to go on holiday currently. My father helped me to get a tiny flat, and I still don’t have a job so I’m trying to survive on unemployed benefits. If I get a job now - which I don’t feel capable of doing - I wouldn’t be able to go on holiday with my partner anytime soon.

My partner says I’m being selfish because I can't afford a big vacation. I offered a compromise - a cheap, 5 day holiday somewhere close so he can at least get away from his job for a little bit and I will be able to afford it, but he won’t budge on his big vacation on a sunny island. I simply can’t pay for it and told him to just fly out there on his own for two weeks, but he won’t. He now is again saying he has no future with me because I can’t even go on holiday with him and he hates it. He really thinks I’m being the queen of selfishness because I didn’t think about his holiday plans when I got fired from my last workplace and I don’t know how to communicate with him.

And since this is bringing up all the „old“ issues again, he is pushing me away now and saying he doesn’t want to see me or even be with me, that I don’t deserve to be his partner after all I’ve done to him etc. Once, he confessed to me that when he does that, all he wants is to feel that I love him, but his view and his harsh words hurt me a lot so it is hard to get it across during times like this that he is indeed very loved.

Is there any way we can establish better communication? I am guessing he resents me now because I take his chance away to get away from work, but I am trying to find a compromise for him. And I would support him taking a vacation far away without me too. He says he is angry at me because I should work harder to to be able to afford a long expensive trip with him. He says I’m manipulating his chance at having a good life.

I do realise that the most sensible thing would be to just break up for good. But he is refusing to leave me. He says if I want to leave him I should do so, so that he is finally all alone and free to end his life - and I don’t actually want to leave him. It just feels like that is what he wants, because he keeps telling me that I ruin his life and don’t deserve him. It doesn’t sound like he actually wants to be with me. But then again, when the „old“ part of him is back and he seems more stable, he is shocked at the idea that I would think he does not want to be with me. In those times, he is a different person, doting on me, showering me with love and affection, supporting me and decisions I make, and just generally being the person I love so much. And thankfully, those times last longer than his angry/depressed phases.


Any thoughts?