Session last night: T came and got me about 10 minutes late for my session. There were lots of people in the waiting room because there are multiple T's and PDOC's in the building and there's a communal waiting room. It's kind of annoying because I can't really enjoy the silence before T but it is what it is.


She asked how it went with my Mom's Foster Mom's visit. I told her that it went better than I had anticipated. That my Mom was ready for her to go because it was a long visit and her Foster Mom tends to be critical. However, her critical eye hadn't fallen on me this time so I was able to mostly just enjoy her visit. However, it is nice just having the house back and the routine back.

My T asked me what else was up? So I told her I had cut my arm and it needed stitches. That's unusual for me--the needing stitches part. She asked me how long it had been since I had SH-ed and I told her two weeks which was true. It isn't as long as I normally go. She was trying to get me to open up and explain what happened leading up to the SH. Unfortunately, I don't really know. It was like, it was just building up inside of me, and it needed to be let out. Whatever "it" is. So she told me that I need to be more aware (no kidding) about what I'm feeling and what is going on around me. I told her I had been feeling depressed, and sad, and stressed. I was stressed over my bosses leave of absence and me covering in her position whilst she is away.


We talked about my experience at the hospital and she laughed out loud and then apologized when I told her the part where they asked me if I was having thoughts of harming myself. I told her it's okay. I told them it was a dumb question too. I mean, obviously, I was there for SH. It would reason that I'm having SH thoughts. We talked about me being embarrassed about the SH and having to get it stitched up. And feeling bad about it. It's odd because I SH to feel better, which I normally do but didn't this time, and then end up feeling bad about it.


We talked about trying to determine who I am really angry with and why I keep turning that anger in on myself. I really don't feel like I'm angry at anyone but my former T used to say that too. She suggested that I journal. I'm not overly enthusiastic about that but I'll give it a shot. I do better when I'm writing to a person and not just writing for the heck of it. But sometimes it does help to get it out.


We talked about my feelings of bad. Like I'm bad. And I have to fight with these thoughts in my head. She told me I'm not a bad girl. (Which made me feel really young and was kind of annoying because I'm a grown up--but I think she was intentionally trying to speak to a young part of me especially because she just got done asking me when I had started harming myself etc and it was in childhood around age 10 or so). She told me I'm a good girl (again, making me feel very young). And I don't really remember where she went with that because I was too busy thinking, why doesn't she say I'm not a bad person, or I'm a good person. Etc.


We talked about my childhood. My Mom has bipolar and was un-medicated, so things were really tricky when I was a child. I never knew what would set Mom off. I had to try to be this perfect child, at home, at school, everywhere, and also this child that didn't have any needs. And it was really hard. I also put a lot of pressure on myself to be perfect and so I had the pressure of my parents and the pressure of myself and the pressure had no where to go. My Mom is still really irritable even though now she is medicated, and she's constantly snappy. But when we were children, she was more than snappy, she would sometimes be physical with us and I think my sister and I were downright scared of my Mom at times. And my Dad, bless him, was too busy working to intervene, but even when he did, he just sat my sister and I down and just explained that's how Mom was, which wasn't really helpful. It was just crazy making because I didn't know what was normal. I just took in all the bad and it couldn't be Mom's fault, so it must be my fault. My Mom tried hard to be a good parent, and she definitely did better than her parents. But she just failed in some key areas, like making us feel safe, and secure, and okay. That we--my sister and I--were okay. And I still struggle with that. I don't know if I am okay until I know if other people around me are okay. It can be very tiring.


My T went over time a little bit but said she wanted to do some more eye movement stuff with me. (Still not sure if it is EMDR or something else.) Because she said, I need to increase my awareness. I didn't really dissociate in session this time. I thought she might ask to see my SH but she didn't. I was definitely looking for some empathy or warmth or something regarding the SH and I didn't get it. I think my former T would have treated that aspect a little differently. I don't feel like it was shrugged off or anything, just my former T would have said something like, "I'm sorry you were in so much pain." Or something. And I think that is what I wanted to hear from this T. An acknowledgement of the pain. Oh well. I suppose it doesn't matter.

She said she doesn't have a magic wand or pixie dust but she is hopeful that I can get past this (the SH) and live my life without it.


I go back March 1st which means I only had one appointment in Feb. But I had three in Jan....Kit