Hello everyone and happy misrable Tuesday. Yup I'm still in a bad mood and it's really taking a tole on me. I finally get happy and stable and get completely out of the depressed/anxiety tunnel something is waiting to make me go back to tunnel. I have tried and called and called and called. I even tried a pharmacy in another state looking for it. It just isn't available anywhere close to me. I've tried a few mail order pharmacies and nothing, enough for a week is usually what I get. Apparently according to one pharmacy this shortage has been happening since December and it's just now really starting to effect pharmacies and patient's alike either that or Buspirone is super popular in my state. I keep hoping and praying that I find someone that has a huge stockpile but sadly it seems like what everyone had has ran out or they have at best a week of anything.

I know I have a week left and if I wanted to do it to myself I could totally drop to two pills instead of my three. That's what I did last night and plan on doing tonight. I am taking my mornings and afternoons but not the bedtime medication and I really felt the anxiety last night in bed. The thing about Buspar is it has a short half life; I get two hours of maybe the ten mg; and then after two hours it will have been like I took a five. Even Seroqueled and Melatonined up it took me a while to fall asleep even with the soothing sent of lavender on my pillow.

It's just so hard; do I have enough to get me through Valentine's Day; I do but I'm honestly at a thinking inpass with my feelings of what do I do. Do I trust my psych enough to let him overhaul my medications and go back to a straight up depression medication? Do I ignore my Cardio and ask for a PRN Benzo? This couldn't have happened at worse time. I'm supposed to be getting pampered and enjoying the days leading up to Valentine's Day with M; but the only thought my brain can make is Buspar, Buspar, Buspar we need the Buspar. Not oh M looks super yummy in that sweater; just I want my Buspar. I know it's not addicting that it's my brain freaking out at the potential of not having it.

I had a do not disturb sign on my door all day. I told my boss I'm here but I don't feel like dealing with patient complaints; provider issues; I just want to be left alone in my office. I even wore scrubs again today; I figure you know what screw it I don't feel good mentally. Only two people were brave enough to enter my office. My family doctor to give me bad freaking news that he called a few of the main manufactures and they told it could be April 2019 before they were able to send any out. It's February and I'm already a wreck.

I feel my stability already starting to slip. Yes I have been rather reasonable when a pharmacy tells me no they just don't have it. I haven't snapped at anyone the phone; I know it's not their vault they don't have it. It's hard to get anything when it's in a shortage. Healthcare just freaking sucks and this is something I cannot change and all that I want to do is change it.

I'm just tired of dealing with this already. I'm scared of losing another job. I keep hearing the ex bosses words echo in my head feeling like she might honestly be right. I just want my brain to shut up. I keep telling myself it's just anxiety that I am not this; that it doesn't control me. I just feel like crap trying to decide what to do.

Hugs to everyone