He is indeed acting like a child, but I don’t believe he is thinking rationally or even capable of rational thought. He gets completely lost in his head to a point where he says he is worthless, not deserving of good things, shouldn’t be allowed to live etc. I used to compare his angry outbursts to temper tantrums because that was what they seemed like to me, but it’s more than that. He doesn’t even „see“ me when he is in a mood. It’s like he is talking to a reflection of himself that he hates, not me. When I realised this, I was able to distance myself from the situation and actually able to realise that I can’t cope if I keep living with him.

Can you really say someone is being selfish when they are so depressed that they can’t function on their own, and don’t see a reason to live?

We’ve been together for over a decade basically. It’s not that the honeymoon phase is over just now. We used to be very happy with each other, in a healthy way. This just started a little less than 2 years ago. I know his true colors, and in these moods, he is not himself at all. His controlling/manipulative behaviour started when he got more depressed, but he seems to have no introspection or insight on this. For example, he doesn’t remember what he says to me when he is upset. I won’t go into detail here because it makes me cry to think about it, but afterwards when he is calmer and I ask him to please apologise for the hurtful things he usually refuses - after some probing, he confessed that he doesn’t actually remember what he says to me.

He didn’t lie about the therapist appointments. I’ve personally driven him there and talked to the therapist several times. I think she wasn’t a very good therapist. She did indeed tell him to break up with me and move on, because my „junky lifestyle“ was ruining him. She was the one who told him that I am just lazy, using him, and will never work for anything and will be content to live off his money as long as he enables me. I was furious with her - she didn’t know me, and what he told her about me wasn’t the truth. We split all expenses, for example, and at no point was I using him. 

It was very odd to realise that she does not see beyond the mask he was showing her. She told him he was not depressed. But not once did she ask him about the suicidal thoughts, his hatred of himself, his dysfunctional family, and he didn’t volunteer any information. He’d come home every week to tell me that he didn’t know what to do, she didn’t seem to care about the suicidal thoughts. He asked me to talk to her, because he couldn’t make himself be honest with her. But when I did, she told me I had BPD, that I was really manipulative and would do anything to ruin his life apparently, including meddling in his therapy. So I backed off, let her know that she was way overstepping her competence, and tried to find him another therapist. But by then, he didn’t see the point anymore. He went to several others (who all agreed that he was indeed clinically depressed and needed treatment ASAP), but then gave up.

I’m not staying because he is holding me captive with the suicide threats, but because I deeply care for him and want him to be okay again. If he gets better, we’ll see if we still want to be around each other. But I can’t just leave him like this. He has absolutely no support system, besides me.

Of course his vacation wish is insane. I just can’t seem to get that across. I won’t let myself be bullied into it. Just gotta figure out how to deal with it.