i saw T today. i immediatly threw myself down on her floor (to her surprise) and admitted i am defeated by life. this battle at least.
i would have liked to cry and tell her how much is going on in my head but i think she got it anyway.
i got to talk to her about issues at work, with the new house and how i'll always be defeated and how everything ive ever hoped for will only be a huge disappointment. how nobody can help me and i begged her to kill me.
i told her i was going to drink (after months of being sober) and ive been cutting these last days and been taking pills.

i dont know how to say in words how much i feel defeated and destroyed by life.

i'll keep going, i'll keep faking it for as long as i can until i'll finally have everything settled down and then i'll finally be free to die.

cutting helps but drinkling a little more for now….