Quote:
Originally Posted by Revu2
hello warmup,
I've had a lingering cough for about two weeks. This signals me that my body needs to withdraw or I need to consciously be more of a guard for my self protection. During this am's meditation I 'voiced' how every context i'm in distorts my feltsense of my role.
Close to home i have a neighbor who unconsciously thinks he needs to be the alpha male. these primal primate challenges deep down might be "to the death" or one "flees" physically or by withdrawing. I call this he's trying to timidmakeme.
In another context, the client actions could confusemakeme.
In a third, the client's own confusion delaypayme.
So this throat thing is my body's ask for me to reassess my performances in these several spaces. I got it this morning. This led to a tumble through my living to a gelling of a belief I made as a child that no one would love me (allow me to join/belong) until after I contributed my best. I can untangle my character trait I formerly named "enthusiasm" as an improvised performance of "Let me show you" and "Please love me."
Like most hammers, sometimes I struck nails, and most times not.
This morning I committed to my throat to turn off the "automatic" aspect of this. I released all of the pent up confusion, anger, body aches, and exhaustion this old pattern has carried in my psyche and body. Patiently waiting for the other half of me to 'get it' and allow this to release. Today's the day.
It's my meditative practice that when I release patterns I welcome healing patterns to replace and refresh me. For today, this is permanent belonging to life, nothing else is required. It's "manners" in the sense of "after you." It's deeply knowing I'm a member of an immense "conviction community" that extends back and forward through time and across and among all places, peoples, and settings.
All for now,
Revu2
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I was sorry to hear that you are sick Rev2!!
I hope this won't be too irrelevant or annoying
but I had some thoughts about your post.
1/ most other people are crazy, don't worry about it!
2/ I have a duty to maintain a spiritual practice so that I can link up with other people who have a spiritual practice. By spiritual practice, I mean anything that holds my awareness that life on this planet is marvellous and finite. My soul is watching me. Music reminds me of this depth of awareness and that everything else is not such a huge deal. Meditation/ tai chi: it's simply in the doing of this awareness every day that enables me to set boundaries on my own stupidity. Work in progress.
For example, today was a day when everyone wanted bits of me from 9 am onwards which made me sick to my stomach, and at 4:30 pm I left a message on my e-mail saying "I'm unwell and I'm going to bed". People stopped exploiting, and felt compelled to reply, "Sorry that you are sick".
3/ The way through other people's madness is to act with confidence AS IF we can all find a way to be human! (yes, you know this already, but easier said that done!!!).
4/ Everyone in the western world has suffered from a chronic cough this winter - perhaps don't take it too personally. I'm the only person I know who hasn't coughed - either I've already done the coughing and have anti-bodies, or because I'm anti-social so less exposed to infection.
5/ Reminder to self: ignore other people, just practice!
I have some CDs that were made by a great musician a few months before he died of cancer. His guitar playing is beautiful, despite the fact that he was already suffering considerable pain. It reminds me that human beings can stay confident of the bigger picture in the face of just about anything.
Now to practice, sigh, and then to sleep/!
Sending soothing vibes to your poor lungs!
Saidso
P.S. I do get it about having to give your best so that people will love you. I am compelled to give my best so that, in my psyche, the roof will stay on top of the walls of my house. Needing to give my best has been real in my life, but also, as you say, a compulsion fuelled by wanting love. Methinks the only thing that I personally can do about wanting love is to keep a space open for it, so that I don't miss the opportunity if it arrives.
Huh?!