For those of you wonderful people who have been following my most recent episode some of this may be repetitive so I am sorry.

Basically late September last year I fell into a mixed episode. I was then IP for all of October in a mixed state. Nothing was working so I had 9 ECT then was discharged, followed by several OP ECT. My last ECT was with Ketamine and it really did a number on me. Bedridden for a week and psychologically unstable.

By late November I seemed to be recovering a bit, although still rapid cycling badly. I basically felt I would never get any better than this and live the remainder of my life severely crippled, unable to do anything meaningful, and live in isolation. My life seemed completely pointless. However, due to the treatment failure I became obsessed (not just interested/hoping) in recovery. I began to research EVERYTHING about BP, medical research papers first, then non-medial treatments, new-age stuff and finally the craziest stuff I could find. Unfortunately by then the crazier the stuff the more I believed it.

Somewhere in late January I began to distrust my medical team, pdoc and T. By then I had been asking them leading questions to see if I was right, or that I could trust them. Sadly, throughout January I had made plans to end my life and was finalising them. At the end of January this all came to a head. I saw my T on the 31st, told him I could not trust him at all ( I had texted this to him the previous week). He told me therapy could not go on without trust. We have been seeing each other for eight years so he got through to me enough and I admitted I knew people I knew in the medical field were out to control, manipulate and 'get me'. And since my super-powers to heal myself were gone (yes I believed this) I had no other option but suicide.

Unsurprisingly, I ended up in hospital. It was terrifying as I thought they were all out to get me. Amazingly, after 8 days of med changes Geodon switched me back to reality in less than week. Six days ago I was seriously about to die as planned when I woke early am. Yet instead I slept straight till midday (odd for me, even with the extra meds) and woke up joyful and un-traumatised. Six days later I am still doing really well. Four and a half months of hell and I am FREE!!!!

I just wanted to share my journey. To get it down, and if it may help someone else. Saw my T today and he is really happy for me. Says I am a little hypomanic but that should settle soon.

For your information I am on:
Geodon 120mg
Lithium 1250mg
Lamotrigine 300mg
Clonazepam 3mg (and reducing)
Seroquel 50mg to sleep (to be stopped)