Short version because I keep typing way too much.
I have pretty good social skills but still have no friends, probably because I hate myself.
Most of the time I want to be dead and I dont really believe anyone loves me.
Drinking and being a piece of sh** makes me feel better.


Somehow I have pretty decent social skills but cannot make friends. I am empathetic and adaptable to different people and situations. Im friendly, easy to talk to, relate well to others and can get along well with everyone. That is coming from what healthcare providers have said recently and others in the past along with what I believe about myself. At work I do even better, if they didnt see me f***ing up my life all the time when Im in the ER they wouldnt have a clue and I know anyone who hasnt seen the truth doesnt know it. It hurts that people dont like me beyond that but I do my best to ignore it plus I dont like myself so I dont blame them.

Sarahsweets, I dont know. Most of the time I would rather be dead. I have small moments of happiness but they never last long. I mostly see myself as ruined and unable to be what I want in life. I dont know what well would look like but I feel like it could never be good enough for me. I like shoving down all my empathy and love and hope and drowning it in a bottle so I dont have to think about it. I dont care how bad I look in handcuffs and no shoes falling all over or how uncomfortable the floor of the drunk tank is. I slept on the floor in the psych ward sometimes to feel discomfort, any bed feels cushy now. I have a hard time accepting love, I dont believe any of my family loves me. I sometimes feel love from my children and H. I know they care about me but I guess I feel I dont deserve it so I dont know how they could really love me.

A quote from my crappy depressing poetry I write "Im just looking for an ending and happy endings, they are for fairy tales"