Hello Seriously Funny,

I am sorry you are experiencing marital problems. That sounds stressful and confusing for you

When you try to communicate with him about your concerns, are you coming from a calm and non-judgmental place or do you tend to say something when you are feeling charged and heated? For example, a person will likely respond differently to: "It drives me crazy when you ________" or "Why do you always _____?!I am so sick of it!" versus "Hey love, I'd like us to check-in with each other. When's a good time for you?" Then after you pick a time you sit next to him (not opposite) and start with several things you love about him (do you love him? That was an assumption I made since you are married) and then calmly follow with "When _______ happens in our relationship, I feel ________ so I would like us to work together in order to improve things. Nobody is perfect, right? I know I'm not! And I'd really like to hear things from your perspective too, love. I am sure there are things that I could be working on to improve for you too."

Have you brought up your views on his childhood and parents? I would strongly discourage you from doing that. Endeavoring to psychoanalyze one's partner is not the path to peace. And negative comments about our parents or upbringing generally don't go over well...if my partner commented negatively on my family I would not be too happy. I'm not assuming you did that but since you mentioned I thought it may be helpful to point that out. His upbringing is irrelevant to you, in essence, because only a trained professional can parse that out and only if your hub provides his consent for said professional to go there. Trying to do that yourself would likely add more tension and strain to the marriage. If that makes sense.

I think in your post you mentioned that he does go to therapy with you or did I misunderstand that? How is therapy going? What does the therapist suggest? I think it's a good sign that he participates in that...that does not sound like game-playing to me.

I'm not really sure why you are assuming that he's playing some sort of machiavellian game with you? Did I miss a piece? If he makes a lovely dinner for you but doesn't want to come to bed...perhaps there's a sexual or intimacy problem for him there? I mean I don't know. I'm just trying to help you troubleshoot.

Any relationship takes teamwork of course. You both need to contribute to the team effort. Stonewalling, if that's what he's doing, is actually a known predictor of serious marital breakdown.

Just so you know Seriously Funny, I always look at both sides in relationship troubles because there are always two people at the table. Though I am not negating or diminishing your frustration and concerns

Maybe you could fill in more info? How long has this been going on? How long have you been married? I assume things were good and loving at some point...did things slowly decline over time? What are the specific issues you are trying to resolve? What are the things you need to change on your side?

I wish you peace. Feel free to add more info or reply if you like