Phelps,

You know I kind of see things in a different way, so to speak, so bear with me OK (I do because most of my life was a strategic high stakes chess game-so that's a bit about me). If I'm off-mark, consider it so and dismiss me.

I agree with you that this is a serious *marital issue* (not to mention, if it escalates, it could be serious in other ways).

Here's the thing...it's not her issue solely, your issue solely but now a marital issue. There are TWO parts to this marriage...the whole...without *both* parts equally there is no whole. You should be as proactive in this (if in totally different ways) as she is.

You say that she won't open up to you, yet you've not brought it out on the table. You say she wouldn't take kindly to the mention of marriage counseling, but you've not broached that either. You've not told her it's so obvious that even the kids are aware and questioning. As her husband, I think it's your responsibility when it's affecting her relationship with her children or how they perceive her. Wouldn't you want her to tell you when it came to the kids?

It seems as if there's alot of "predicting" of response here and is one reason things are as they are? For instance, she may not share because she's predicted you wouldn't understand, would be hurt/angry, etc. You predict her responses, so you don't discuss what's now the pink elephant in the house. How's all the predicting, without the discussion, working? I didn't question that in a confrontational way, but in a caring way.

If it were me, I would realize that she can't or won't, or both, clue me in, share with me, etc. In that case, I'm left with little choices but to work things from my end as best I can for the "prize". I might not view my partner working for the "prize", but I realize there might be denial and escape...that my partner isn't capable of seeing right now.

In my clarity and understanding, I would (when not arguing and both feeling good and safe) bring this up...say what I know...say how it makes me feel...ask if I'm right in what I see and beg for something, anything to help me understand.

I would then work from there...possibly including marriage counseling. Yes, even if at first, I went without his knowledge...knowing that I'm working for all the right reasons and it might be necessary for a time.

If this were me, I would be wondering about my comments and beliefs that "everything else in the marriage is fine", because obviously my partner needs whatever this is that it brings for him (possibly due to the same lack of feeling OK to communicate *all*)...then make it my mission to fill that if at all possible...or work with the unrealistic expectations if in place.

Phelps, I guess I'm saying that you seem highly resistant to change what you see in a fear of the result of communication. That's not OK in a marriage. You both seem resistant to open communication, which seems to be the root here.

What is doing nothing going to do? You realize, I think, that you must do something at this point...doing nothing really isn't an option. So a change in thinking might help. Instead of saying what you're not going to do (and thinking that way...feeling limited and without control), why don't you focus on what you *can* do and set the focus there?

With all the suggestions here and I'm sure you've thought of yourself, Phelps, what do you feel you *can* do?

I, for one, will support you more than likely in any decision there because you've shown that you care for the best for your wife...even her comfort levels.

How can we help to support you in what you *can* do? My suggestion, again, is to start with the communication problem that appears obvious as an outsider...starting the convo with, "I love you so very much, and because I do, let's talk..." Use mostly "I statements" without accusation of ugly or personal character attacks. Say things like, "If I'm off-base, please let me know. If I'm not off-base, I want to tell you that I've seen this for a while and am still here...loving you."

Said with respect,

KD