A lot of you know much of my story. Depressed at 14, psychotic and manic at 15, all over the place until around 18. Slowly getting better from about 18-20. Then only some mild postpartum depression with my 11 year old and small episodes in hindsight. Psychotic break at 28. Completely and utterly unstable until 32. Then (minus one hiccup that my pdoc fixed within 2 months—although it was bad enough to make me lose the job I had then), completely stable between 2-3 years.

And then there is now. I’m doing SO bad. And everyone is so optimistic, you’re going to be fine. You’ll get right back there. Well, history does not suggest this. History suggests that the times I have been very sick I’ve stayed that way for at least a few years. I’m getting fmla but honestly can’t see myself going back to work. My IOP leader said to focus on today. She said I’m so far approved for 20 sessions and I’ve only used 2. My mom was saying she hopes I can go back to work after 2 weeks. I didn’t have the guts to tell her I don’t think that’s gonna be possible. Anyway, not sure what I wanted other than to rant. I’m feeling very low, despondent and defeated. 😢