… if I am struggling to accept and face up to huge difficulties,
and if the person/ people who I want to care for me are also struggling to accept and face up to huge difficulties...
then it seems to me that both of us have to continually make maximum effort not to despair or spit in each others' faces.

perhaps our efforts to find a more peaceful way, although by nature most of us at the same time give in to self-interest...

perhaps the sum of all the efforts that humans make to be peaceful in their struggles,
that is spirituality.

i acknowledge that my needs are not satisfied in the ideal way that some professionals lead me to be that they should be. perhaps those professionals are themselves limited by greed, just as i am limited by sadness and resentment.

if I only focus on that, then there is a nightmare for me and any people who come into contact with me. we need to practice something that holds the imperfection but which makes possible... all the grains of sand of people making effort. a stranger chose to treat me kindly and with dignity today, and yesterday, and the day before so i let that settle and warm my heart.

if i obsess about my own needs beings satisfied, i need to also practice holding those needs in some way that gives hope to my self and other people.

i've lived with communities that were hopeless and violent. without decency or spirit human communities spiral down quickly just as individuals do. however sad i am about my situation, i know that my own situation will get worse if i go with that downward spiral possible.

working towards courageous action. maybe not everyone's self-interest will be satisfied, but i can't get completely obsessed by that.