I know I've been here before but I did it again. My last few sessions have gone well. Yet I realized this week that I still insist on dehumanizing the interaction between my T and me.

During my last session I brought with me a chart I had made and some other reflections. This document was something I had created for myself, so was not edited for sharing. Often when I write down my ideas, I write down some personal questions that arise. They are not necessary things I want someone else to answer they are more questions/comments that surface as I write. I often go back and try to answer them myself. I also tend to be a bit sarcastic and direct when questioning myself. Well this document had several these questions among my ramblings ... why do I think that?.. Why do I do that?..Is this related to that some how?

While discussing my ego states, she asked to see the chart I created and I gave her the document not wanting to seem like I am withholding stuff. Of course after looking at the chart, she starts looking though the other parts of the document and I am like --F&^% what else was in there?
Of course she see a few of these questions and reads them out loud and answering them. One of the rhetorical questions was "Why do I seem compelled to disclose this crap to a complete stranger?" My T was like "You always go back to this." She looks right at me and says, "We are not strangers anymore." I felt like %#@&#!!

I find myself asking yet again, Why, after 8 months of interacting with this woman, do I still want to believe that she has no interest in me other than that I provide income for her? I insist on telling myself that I am just some walking pathology to fix? I know many people post about wanting their T's to care for them as individuals, yet I resist this repeatedly. I know it is likely just some form of denial. Like Miss Charlotte's T said, "Why wouldn't you want to be special to me?"

I don't get it. Why do I keep making myself out to be just some nameless freak?