Ok I’ve been struggling just simply about the fact that this means so much to me to struggle over it…. But I guess it is better to acknowledge things than let them stay ignored. My mood has been getting worse all week and *grrrrrr* I really don’t want to admit the cuase, but it is that my MD (who is more like a T to me than my actual T) is going out of the country Friday. I am in panic mode about it. She sees me every month (give or take) and has me call every week with a check in – half the time she also calls me back with info or clarifying questions, or to tell me she really, really likes my updates. And for her to be gone…. I … it just… I’ve not wanted to admit to something so childish. And yet, I’ve stopped caring about things, not filling out the chart she has me fill out, not calling with as detailed updates… my mood has gone from saddness to depression to irritability to “I don’t care”. It scares me that something will come up and she’ll be gone – with no back up even. Or that something will happen and she’ll never return. And this time in between will be 2 months. It’s ridiculous, I know, but that’s the longest I’ve gone without seeing her since I started in July. I’m having withdrawals! I mean really, she and my actual T (who my MD told me to go to) are the only people I can really count as my support group IRL… I do have two friends IRL, but they both live pretty far away and often go “MIA” for long stretches of time. Maybe that’s one reason my MD told me not to go into "nervous mode" (panic) – because I was getting really concerned that she’d leave and I couldn’t get the meds I was out of and her office was being really unhelpful (saying “Well, what do you want ME to do about it?!), and I wasn’t even sure if she’d left yet or not or was taking her normal Tuesday day off…. I don’t mean to be a pest, and I am also trying to meet my own needs (something I don’t do well) and the whole thing just sucked. I am glad that I did get to talk with her in person before she left (even though it was a harried, short minute, and I felt like a pile of dung for wasting her time…even though her office couldn’t solve the problem) – I don’t even know how long she’ll be gone! Like almost a month, I think... like till April 12 or something. I am getting myself keyed up – I need to breathe….

When one is used to caring for one’s self – one forgets that others care, unless told (by some means) frequently.

I don’t like it – it makes me feel really young… and naked. Like I cannot protect myself from this thing – this caring thing. Being cared for can be scary. But needing to be cared for (once it starts) is even scarier. I don’t like the me that needs to be cared for. We have to be able to take care of ourself! When people leave (and they always leave) then what!?! If we don’t maintain, then we’ll just fall apart.