For the past few sessions, I've mentioned to T how awkward I feel at the end of our sessions. We talked about it for a while today, because he felt like it was important to figure out why I feel that way.

Currently, he gets up from his chair, walks across the room to his desk, comes back and writes out a receipt, confirms my next appointment, and then reaches across the room and takes my check/gives me my receipt. (at this point these days, we do a lot of laughing because we know the awkward part is coming up). Then I get up and walk out the door while he does who-knows-what behind me and calls after me "see you monday". I asked him today what he does, and he said he thinks he just walks across to his desk to write his notes. I know he probably paid attention to what he did today and he'll tell me next time.

SOOOOO, there is a "ritual" involved, because it's the same thing every time, but somehow it feels unfinished to me. I feel like I need something "special" that we do or say every time....especially so, on hard days when I'm upset or angry at him or whatever, we have a way to show "we're still the same people" (his words). If we do/say this thing on the hard days and the easy days, I feel like it might make me feel safer, and help me hold onto our connection between sessions, which is SUPER hard for me.

Thinking about it now, I think I want our "own" ritual, so I can kind of leave him with "earthmama" instead of just "client #23", if that makes any sense.

I grew up in an extrememly unpredictable and abusive environment, and never ever knew what to expect when I walked in the door after school. I need T, and the whole therapy process, to be kind of predictable and safe.

So.....ideas? I know he is okay with touch, so I thought of a handshake...but that might be too much touch for ME. I mean, our WHOLE HANDS touching?? Eeeek (I also have some sexual abuse issues from my past). We have touched fingertips before when he was trying to help me be present during my hardest session ever. So, I know fingertip touching is safe.

I think for some reason I really want this ritual to involve touch, maybe just because I know it's available. What do other people do??

I do have a pretty marble he gave me out of a dish of them in his office to help me "hold on" to him and our relationship between sessions

I would LOVE to hear what other people do.

And also..."hi" to everyone This is my first post!