It's getting to you like that because Cyberdyne Systems hasn't installed your new brain CPU yet.

You're human. Knowing something and feeling something are like the Hatfields and the McCoys - they live in the same county, but they don't really get along very well.

Yeah, I know - dumb analogy. It's the best I could come up with on short notice. I could explain much better with hand puppets.

I sympathize with you. Myself, I'm a trusting, somewhat self-doubting, benefit-of-the-doubt guy, and when my wife declares that I've done something wrong, my first emotional reaction is "Well... did I do something wrong?", even if I know I'm blameless. Detaching is great in theory, but agonizingly difficult in practice. Silently repeating affirmations - such as telling yourself that, yes, you really are a good and decent person and no, you're not the cause of your spouse's depression - can easily be drowned out by a spouse's angry, irrational accusations of blame.

There's no simple answer, no magic pill, to fix this. Instead, then, I'll indulge in a little wish fulfillment. I'll just say to you what your husband's - and my wife's - depression won't allow them to say, but dammit, I hope some day they will:

"You're a good person. This isn't your fault. It never was. This whole damn thing has been unfair and cruel to you. And I'm so very, very sorry."