nightdream, we are very similiar. I can't bear to see anybody hurting, I want to take their pain away, take it on myself so that they will be free from it. It's not that I like the pain myself, because far from it, it tears me apart but because I personally know how much it hurts, I don't want to see others suffer. I try with all I've got to not hurt anyone but inevitably, it will happen anyway and when it does, it crushes me. I can't bear the thought that I could possibly cause someone else to feel hurt. I'm working on this in therapy right now.

I also like to isolate myself and be alone. I've been doing this now since 2001. My family wants me to go out, but I don't feel right outside my *comfort zone* of my home. I live alone with my 2 cats. I've missed lots of family functions, including holidays. This never sits well with them but I think they are at the point with me that they almost expect it and are shocked if I actually attend. When I'm with people, I still feel alone. If I'm at a crowded grocery store, etc, I have a panic attack. I have virtually shut myself off from the outside world. However; I am the complete opposite online. I crave compansionship and friends. I reach out to people that I think I could feel comfortable with. This has not always worked out and I have been hurt online MANY times. Then I usually build my walls again on the net but recently on another board I ran into a *situation* that resulted in me getting a one week block, which I and several others felt was undeserved. The other person who offended me, walked away with nothing. Up to this point, my walls were up, I was determined to not let anybody into my heart. I did not want to be hurt again. But a couple of people *really* reached out to me and my walls started to crumble and then to my amazement, I received an overwhelming amount of support from the posters there who felt that I was treated unfairly and fought on my behalf. How could I possibly keep my walls up when all these people that I didn't even know were fighting for me. Unfortunately, it involved quite a lot of people and for some it got to be too much but they didn't blame me, although I did. But the good thing is is that I made some really good friends during that and a couple I'm very close with now.

I'm not sure why I'm totally different online than I am IRL, because to me, the hurt can be just as strong if not stronger but yet online I don't want to be alone. My computer is my lifeline to the world around me. However; I have learned that I simply can not have any kind of relationship with anybody in the *normal* world. It just doesn't work for me. So therefore; IRL, I am a virtual recluse with no plans of changing that any time soon.

I'm not sure if I just was rambling or if you see any similiarities between yourself and me. Are you different online than you are IRL?