Hello ZweinZa: Thank you for sharing your concern here on PC. I noticed this is your first post. So... welcome to Psych Central.

I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time finding a job. From what you wrote, it sounds to me as though there may be something you're doing (or not doing)... the way you're presenting yourself in interview situations... that is causing you to continue to be rejected by employers. Effective job interviewing is a skill you can learn. I see you list yourself as living in Indonesia. And I don't know what kinds of services are available to you there. But if there is somewhere you could take a job seeking skills training program, that might help you to figure out what's going wrong & how to correct it. There is a company that publishes books & other material on effective job seeking techniques, as well as other work-related subjects. It's called JIST Publishing. Here's a link to their website:

Home | JIST Career Solutions

You mentioned suicide. If you're struggling with suicidal thoughts, it's important to reach out in real life for help. You may feel as though ending your life is the only choice left you. But it's not. Sometimes though, when things aren't going well, it can feel that way. Talking things through with someone can help. Here are links to 3 articles, from Psych Central's archives, that (hopefully) may provide you with some perspective regarding your circumstances. The first 2 articles are by our host Dr. John Grohol, Psy.D.:

Suicidal? Don't Throw Away Your Shot

Suicidal? What Van Gogh's Life Can Teach You

How to Survive Suicidal Thoughts

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

P.S. Toward the end of your post you wrote that you always wanted to suicide. If thoughts of ending your life are something you've been struggling with for a long time, perhaps what's going on here is that you've been fighting depression for a long time & your depression is coming across in your job interviews. And if that's the case, then perhaps seeing a mental health professional would also be a good idea? Just another thought...