sex and CSA stuff. I told t thst sometimes when I'm with the boy I physically shake from anxiety and paranoia. t said that it sounds like I am not comfortable. I said not at all! he asked why I've gone back to see the boy. I told him there is a part of me that likes sex. but there is a part of me that is so totally freaked out. I told t that I cried after the boy and I had sex last. that the boy kept asking are you ok? are you sure? but I couldn't tell the boy why I was crying and basically just frozen

t said he sees that it is very confusing and he understands that there are extreme emotions about sex. t brought up an email I sent about the childhood sexual abuse. in it I wrote that when I was being molested by my dad that I felt feelings of pleasure within my body. t said that my feeling pleasure during the abuse is a physicological reaction from my body and that it doesn't mean anything about me.

I kept telling t it feels gross and sick. disgusting. I said hearing you say that makes me want to shoot myself in the face! t said that even rape victims have the same experiences of feeling pleasure even though it is unwanted. he said that is just the way our bodies work, even children. he asked if I was outside and it was very cold and my body started shivering.. why would it shiver? I said because it is cold. t said it's the same thing, that my body reacted to things. he said we don't consciously decide to shiver, that it is a natural reaction.

t said there are healthy ways to explore my sexuality. I asked Do you think this is unhealthy? T said the act of sex itself is not unhealthy at all, but how I do it and what I do during sex could be retraumatizing me. I told t is like I'm trying to desensitize myself from a phobia. t said that I might be retraumatizing myself, that maybe I am not ready for this, and I'm forcing it to push through. I said is it like I am reenacting the abuse? t said yes. in an email I told t that the sex has gotten pretty rough. and that most times I agree to go to the boys house but when the time comes I don't want to anymore.. but that I go anyway so the boy won't be mad.


t said you have the right to say no, even if you've already said yes..

I told t that I've been drinking alcohol a lot more. I said it brings me back to the surface and out of the spiral. that its too much for me sometimes and that I feel I have to drink or else I'd end up killing myself.