I guess this can be one of those learning experiences in which I figure out that I can hold two opposing feelings for someone at the same time. That if I have emotions of anger, they are not going to ruin the relationship-- I can still hold the loving and caring stuff-- it can still be there in a reciprocal manner........ right?

When I was at work today, T called me out of the blue. I was in a meeting and didn't answer the phone in time. He left a really nice message. He said, "I just wanted to see how you were doing and I want to talk to you. I'll call back in like 45 minutes." (We talked on the phone for almost an hour yesterday. It was a wonderful conversation, in response to a message I had left him).

So he calls back 45 minutes later and we talk a bit about how I'm doing today, what my SI was like last night, blah, blah, blah. He has been pushing me lately to contact the leader of my BPD support group bc she has offered herself to me as a support for the SI. I finally responded to her today and I let him know that.

Then he said, "Oh, and I have to talk to you about something..." And I just knew something crappy was about to come out. He said that is he going to be out of town from this coming Tuesday until the following Wednesday. He said we could extend this Saturday's session past the hour and a half or even have a Monday session, if it is possible. He said he wanted to tell me this today, rather than in session on Saturday because he wanted me to have more time to process it before I see him and then he leaves for the week.

So the immaturity kicked in pretty much immediately. I refused to say anything except "okay" for the remainder of the conversation. Then there was a silence and I just said, "Ok. See you Saturday." He said, "You know, you can call me to talk about this before Saturday. If you decide you want to tell me what's going on, you can call." I said, "Ok. Goodbye."

My immediate reaction was anger. I thought to myself-- no wonder he's trying to %#@&#! push me off on another support-- because he's going away. And what's next? He won't be coming back? And what a %#@&#! liar telling me that he's calling to see how I am-- please, he had a whole other agenda in mind.

The truth is, I am scared to death. He has been my only support through this horrible episode of SI that I am going through-- He has been constant and available all the time. I don't know what I am going to do without him for that week.