Today was the last time I'm going to see him for two weeks. It didn't go well.

I talked about how I miss him already, even though he hasn't gone yet, and how I know the break is going to be particularly hard for me on this occasion. I was describing how my young parts struggle with the idea he is uncontactable and how it feels scary to those parts.

He said "Is there anyone else who can fill that need?". I looked at him for a while and said "I don't like the question.". He said "How did you hear it?" I said "I heard 'leave me alone and go bother someone else'". He asked if he could reframe it. I said if he wants to. He said "how can we make me going away less scary for you?"

I looked at his bookshelf for a while. I noticed "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" was on there. I had never noticed that before.

I said "I'm not thinking about your question. I don't intend to answer it." I teared up for a minute then snapped out of it. He said he noticed I had pulled away from that. I said I am keeping myself safe. He said "it doesn't feel safe?" I said "It's not safe to leave feeling this way."

He said "so what do you want to do for the rest of the session then?" I sighed and said I'm not asking to do anything different, I am just voicing the struggle. He said yeah, it's a dilemma for him too. Then suddenly we were both in the dilemma, nobody was trying to fix it, and it felt better. We looked at each other for a while. I said I felt less lonely now. I discussed some other issues I have been having and how I felt about those.

In the last ten minutes I noticed I was thinking things like "will you miss me?". I told him I was filtering some things that feel too risky to say. He looked at the clock and said "yeah it's probably not a good time to take risks". I said "I have no intention of saying them, I just want you to know that's going on inside of me".

I began talking about the break again, and saying that it's come at a bad time for me because I have a lot going on at the moment, and I'm feeling pretty fragile.

Then, with a minute to go, out of nowhere, in the most insincere and dismissive tone EVER, he said "Sorry 'bout that.".

I was really shocked, it was so out of character. I said "probably not worth insincerely apologising with a minute to go, T.". He said something about how he is sorry I feel this way, but he's not taking responsibility for it.

As if I was asking him to take responsibility for the fact it is bad timing for me. WTF is he on about?

I looked at the clock and said "so close" under my breath. I handed him his money. He stood up as if anticipating our usual hug. I said "It would feel insincere to hug you right now because I am annoyed with you, so I'm not going to." He said "okay". I turned to leave and said "Enjoy your week off." he said "see you in two weeks".

And that was that.