Thanks for replying. Thats a good article you linked.

Besides feeling that way I described above in general, here is what triggered me today.

I've worked at a medium to large size non-profit organization for 20 years (salary), and just got an email saying that I no longer have sick leave (I was struggling with illness in January and February).

Apparently, I get 6 days a year paid sick leave. I started to feel picked on, as if there was discrimination against me or that they were trying to squeeze me out.

I started imagining what I would do if I didn't have this job. Where could I work, how could I support my family and pay the bills. Then, even if I kept this job, I thought of how horrible it would be to come to work each day with a feeling of not being wanted. It really got me in a downward spiral of hopelessness- coupled with concerns about an impending diagnosis of Type II diabetes. I feel like my best life was maybe 10-15 years ago, and now I'm just falling apart.

I was able to talk with my administrator and told her to go ahead and dock my pay if that's what she needed to do when I have to be out sick or take a kid to see the doctor. I told her I just didn't want to be picked on or singled out. She assured me that I was not. I guess we will see.

A psychologist told me once that I have a problem being in and enjoying 'the present', that my mind is always in high gear thinking about everything else rather than the good or joyful things that were right in front of me. I'm not sure how else to 'be in the present' other than looking and talking to one of my dogs when they are right in front of my face. I'm not even sure if that counts.

I know I need to find some ways to inject 'fun' or 'joy' into my life to counteract me and my thoughts.