I would talk this matter over with your therapist. I am very experienced in abusive relationships and to me, this is abusive. Abusers always make their victim feel like they are in the wrong, that everything is their fault, and if only they would "behave" better, then they would be treated better. Abusers are never in the wrong, they never acknowledge or apologize for their hurtful words and behavior, and they turn it all around on YOU to make it seem like it's YOUR problem, not THEIRS.

This to me is classic abuse. Please do talk to your therapist about this possibility.

You may be in fact given a gift right now if he doesn't return. You may very well be being saved from additional pain. Please consider what I am saying. You definitely do not deserve this kind of treatment.

It is also very concerning to me that you get so sick after he is hurtful to you.