I'm glad you received my response well and how it was intended...with care.

Yes, this is now a marital problem first, I think, then a family problem (because children are *never* as oblivious as we'd like to believe sometimes...lol).

I think the marital issue should be worked with first...y'all making a strong, united front with the children, then that addressed. They'll probably see it prior anyhow.

I don't speak with a learned knowledge, but more with an "experience is the greatest teacher" way. I've been there...not where your wife is at with the obsession because I've never really had one about another person.

That said, I did have an obsession...I obsessed on keeping my demons hid. When I finally opened up and shared, I was SHOCKED and somewhat ticked that my denial was such a liar. My denial assured me that I was fooling everyone to believe I was OK...better than OK. "It isn't that bad" was my favorite quote to myself and others in my denial. Our denial can be such a liar...and no, it's not a conscious choice made as we can only change what we're aware of. I think you're wife has little to no awareness of how this has consumed her as her actions are, at this point, habit and not consciously decided every time...much like me with my "game" or the drug-dependent person with their addiction. None of that can change without awareness. When I became aware of MYSELF and my actions (isn't that something to say?), I made leaps and bounds to healing.

What amazed me when I had full awareness was that my husband just played along with me for the most part...probably for the same reasons you are. Had he sat across from me, in my face, and told me things he knew, saw, and felt about me. It may have forced me to question my denial I stood so firmly on...bringing about quicker change by shaking that false foundation I stood on for so long. I was actually angry with him for not being honest with me! See, I wasn't aware that I wasn't being honest with myself and others. Denial is a strong force. When I finally dealt with some things, I see why I held onto my "ways" and the denial of them so strongly. See, I "knew" I would not be accepted for who and what I was, quirks and all. I'd be left alone and floundering. What a gift he gave me when he said that he'd always known it and then stood there as a testament that he didn't go anywhere and wasn't going to. I knew I could never just be me...after all, being me was never a good thing. So, even though it might've hurt a bit, the gift he gave me was soooooooo much more than that bit of hurt.

I don't think your wife is choosing to hurt you because I don't think she may be fully aware of the "degree" of things. See, secrets and hiding are our biggest allies in denial.

Another option is that she knows *exactly* what she's doing and cares more to continue on with this than she does about other things and people. Just from what you've said of her and your feelings for her, I just don't believe that to be the case.

I really think this has just snowballed for her and she's just going day to day responding to habit born from obsessive thoughts.

KD