This is very familiar territory. Unfortunately. He very much does sound abusive. Can you do some reading on the subject? I wouldn't do it in an obvious way -- they don't like you wising up to their behavior. I used to get books and keep them hidden in the trunk of my car (I realize that wouldn't work for you, but you get the idea). Maybe online reading? I'd erase history, unless computer monitoring is something you deal with (why did you erase, etc.). You will see exactly how they operate. (I recommend checking out Shahida Arabi's writings.)

Do not be ashamed. It CAN happen to anyone. It usually starts out SO good (love-bombing -- did he do that?), and you wait, hoping it will go back to those golden days, but they were an illusion. They were getting you emotionally hooked (which you are, I've SO been there), then the abuse begins. They ALWAYS make it about you, you are always at fault etc. You are NOT. YOUR reaction is extreme? I'd say his is! My exBF used to threaten to leave every time he wanted to control me. It was very effective till I wised up to it. When his "escape hatch" went away after a big falling out with his father, he stopped threatening that particular thing, but that doesn't mean things went all better.

Another thing I'd point to is your feeling ashamed. I did too. I felt so stupid and was worried others would think the same if I talked about what was REALLY going on. That was not the case. People were very supportive. They can often recognize abuse that we don't want to.

I wouldn't go into trying to be a "good wife". He will try to define that for you, and it will be very unhealthy.

My story went that I had a final straw. It was pretty outrageous. I broke it off and moved out. I am now doing things that fell by the wayside, and am happy for the first time in a very long time (we were together 9 years -- don't waste the kind of time I did -- I regret that deeply).

I wish you luck. I really do.