Before I started T, I didn't know that I had OCD. I mean, yeah, there were weird things that I did, that I had to do, but I didn't know it was OCD and it didn't really bother me much (my case is pretty mild)...But now that I'm in T and she wants to try and get rid of the OCD, I hate it!

T wanted to start with the biggest thing first, and for me, that's washing hands after doing the dishes. I have this thing with my hands being dirty after doing the dishes, especially since it includes touching sticky, slimy, or otherwise gross things, so, I wash my hands after doing them to make sure they're not contaminated or anything. However, I would wash them up to 3 times, and T wants me to eventually get down to just a rinse.

So...Each week or two, she gives me rules. At first, it was try to only wash twice. Then it moved to always only wash twice. Last time it was try and wash once at least one time and don't wash more than twice...And this week is that I have to wash only once two times this week, and I can't wash more than twice.

I hate it!

It's so hard for me to do this because my hands still don't feel clean. Like, now I'm comfortable with only washing twice, but beyond that, I'm not. If I wash less like I did one time last week, my hands still feel dirty and gross, and even if I use hand sanitizer as a half step, I still hate the anxious feeling and just...Ugh!

You guys probably know what I'm talking about and how terrible it is.

*Sigh*

I've been putting off doing the dishes tonight for so long. I'm going to wait until right before going to bed to do them and then do the wash once and use hand sanitizer so there won't be anything else for me to touch or anything and there will be less anxiety. Certainly not none, but less.