they just don't get it that i'm sick. i have problems. i have issues! they just don't get the fact that they can't depend on me the way they think they can. the way parts of me represent that they can.

it amazes me that all of these ppl in real life expect me to keep their worlds going when i have trouble deciding what to even wear for the day sometimes! hello! i've been in therapy for 7 yrs! i don't go because i like to look at the friggin pictures!

this is another way where DID causes me problems. parts of me represent me as this person who can literally save ppl. no one can do that. i certainly can't. they have me being too much to too many ppl here IRL. i can't keep up.

i'm tired. i'm just so tired. i don't want to look at anyone. i don't want to talk to anyone. i don't want to answer the phone. i don't want to answer the door. i don't want to go anywhere. i don't want to be around any person outside my immediate family...and sometimes not even them. they're being more demanding than i can take right now.

why can't for once someone look at me and say, "i love you. let me take care of you for a little while. let me show how much i care." i want someone to tuck me into bed and tell me that i can stay there as long as i want and that they'll be right outside the door if i need them. if i need them to, they'll come lay down beside me and let me cry without telling me to hush and get angry. i want to feel safe. i want so much. no, i NEED so much...and no one sees that because no one truly cares...no one ever has. i'm alone. i'm all alone and i'm tired. they've used me all up. i have no more to give.

i can't do this anymore. i can't not do this anymore. the story of my sad, ugly life. i'll trudge on. why am i whining? it seems this is what i was born to do. how and why could i expect it to be differently? my bad...

kim