Soliaree LOL

Yes, My T does read stuff I write out loud, and the stuff she picks out makes me most uncomfortable. The statement she read the other day was buried among some other meaningless rambling and questions. I should be getting used to this by now--she has been very consistent about with this. I now I know I am a different person when I write.The person who sits in therapy doesn't particularly the writer.

Sometimes it is like my hearing is amplified. I write stuff that I often want to express but can't tolerate hearing myself say. Its like by reading it she is forcing me to hear it-- but not in a mean way. Even when she read the really personal stuff I wrote, it wasn't done in a malicious way. I thought it was at the time, but in closer review it was done with great sensitivity. See this is more evidence that I KNOW she is not some uncaring monster who is out to get me.

I think the fact that I was embarrassed that I referred to her as a "complete stranger" demonstrates that I do care about this relationship. So I do think my continuing tendency to minimize our interactions is some defensive mechanism. It just pisses me off that I keep doing it.

Perna, I used the term dehumanize because I seem to want to make her into some uncaring, non-compassionate person who is just going through the motions of listening to me. I want her to be like that for some reason. There is overwhelming evidence that this portrayal of her is simply not accurate. So I continually ask myself --why is it that I want to cast her in this role? I know I do this, most of the time when I write I red flag these statements and deliberately challenge & change them. I just don't get what is in it for me to continue this thought pattern when I know it is not accurate. I also wonder how many other relationships I do this to.

One of those subliminal ego states is making me do it :-)