So just a little bit of a backstory: I used to be in a relationship (for almost 2 years) and it basically enhanced my depression and suicidal tendencies and that always caused strain on the relationship. My depression kept telling me he deserves better and that I'm not good enough for him etc. When my suicidal tendencies got really bad I tried breaking up with him because I wanted to kill myself and didn't want him to know about my suicide. I sabotaged my relationship because of my depression. It got really bad to the point that now I 100% believe that my death is going to be from suicide and that it is inevitable. From there on out I oathed that I will never date again (or even have kids) because of my commitment issues and my suicidal ideation.

Fastforward to now, I realized that since I'm so emotionally unavailable and can't have a relationship I'll have what I can still have - sex. So off I went on Tinder having multiple hookups without having to worry about commitment and anything long term.

But then comes a guy (let's call him 'B') and he is so sweet to me. Everytime he comes to see me he always brings me a little gift, texts me with heart/kiss emojis, drives me to work, and has even started calling me babe. Sometimes he even calls me in the middle of the day just to talk for fun and catch up about our day. I can tell he's 'vetting' me about our compatibility on major topics such as religion and even vaccines. I can tell he really really likes me. He checks all the boxes that I would want in a boyfriend so it just sucks that he came into my life at such a bad time.

He's a sweetheart but I'm scared. I was not ready for this. I'm not mentally stable and never will be. My friends and coworkers are pressuring me to go with the flow and date him. But my depression/suicidal ideation is so bad I don't want that to ruin any more relationships. I don't want that to strain the relationship if I start dating B.

He's on vacation right now for 2 weeks so I have time to think about what I want to do. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. My commitment issues and the fact that I think I will 100% die from suicide sooner or later is deterring me from even chancing a relationship (also no, I'm not seeing a therapist/psychiatrist - I can't afford one). I don't want my SO heartbroken from a loss of their partner because of suicide nor do I want to leave my future kids without a mother. It's just a super difficult decision to make.

So now I'm thinking: how do people with depression maintain a relationship? Doesn't suicidal ideation cause HUGE guilt/strain while in a relationship? How can you maintain a healthy relationship with your SO with your mental health issues especially at times when you're contemplating suicide?