A year ago, my T suddenly told me she was changing boundaries (not specific to me, for everyone) and taking away something I had relied on having since I began seeing her but had very rarely used- basically, her being willing to stick me in for an emergency appointment that day if need be. I was very upset given the situation going on in my real life. My T understood and decided that she wasn’t going to make that change for me at the time until this particular thing in my outside life changed (which it still hasn’t, sadly). Her decision meant a lot to me. This whole last year, I’ve carried the knowledge within me that I had that available to me if need be. I never asked for it because I knew it was rough on my T when I do and that matters to me very much, but I always knew I could if absolutely necessary.

Well, this week, an emergency came up, and I did ask my T. She didn’t offer me a same day appointment as she used to and as she had told me that she would. When I found the guts to ask her about it, she told me that she absolutely doesn’t do that for anyone anymore, that it’s a change she has made, and that she doesn’t remember making that decision/exception for me. She said that her memory is terrible (she has always told me this), that she knows my memory is excellent, that she believes me, but just that she’s sorry she’s disappointing me. She is willing to stick me in for a very brief phone call, she’s willing to commit to that, but she also says that she doesn’t think that will be helpful but she’s willing to try it.

I’m left feeling very shaken up that I’ve counted on something for a year and held it dear and that she doesn’t even remember now. And then, that once I brought this to her attention, she doesn’t seem unduly concerned about it and is just leaving it be. I feel guilty for being upset because my T does so much for me, but the truth is I’m devastated by this. I’m just trying to figure out what to think and what to do... how to swallow this and still trust my T.