The only thing I want to do is work more and I can't because of how classes are scheduled and I need the classes to get the better job anyway. Being in school ruins a lot of things I would enjoy otherwise. I can't read for fun because I don't have time and I don't have the mental energy after reading what I need for school and having to write little mini-essays over virtually every reading. What's even the use? There's so much information that I can't possibly absorb it all and it takes me all day to force myself to absorb as much as possible. I used to play video games, but they either get frustrating, I get too emotionally involved (in RPG's) or I don't feel right spending time on that when I have 5 million other things that need to be done before I get behind.

And friends...how does one even develop decent friendships? Especially when one's life changes drastically from year to year? Basically, I always get cut off from people before I feel comfortable enough to contact them and talk to them outside of in person. And the "friendships" I make are all based on someone using the hell out of me. I don't mind being helpful and I don't mind doing favors...but that's all the relationships are based on.

And it's not needing to meet new people. I don't connect with people I have things in common with so meeting new people will just lead to me knowing more people that I don't connect with and am not really friends with.

And I'm also not an introvert. I love being surrounded by people and chaos. My favorite days this semester are show choir rehearsal Saturdays and show choir competition days, just because I'm surrounded by people and chaos all day. I am shy and very uncomfortable around people so that's about the only way I can get that need fulfilled. Most people don't realize I talk until they're around me a while.

It's rare for me to get close to people at all, especially since I tend to be rejected at least partly because I'm queer. My ex never tried to understand the gender part and I felt like I had to erase my gender identity just because he was offended by my dysphoria and did not like some of my naturally more male physical characteristics (I just naturally produce more of those hormones). Then there's the whole I started wearing more men's clothes and his mom was asking him if I was transgender. And based on his answer, I find out how little he understands any of this.

I don't know...my point is I have no idea who's safe to get close to. And what's the point if no one can see me as I am.