I just want OP to be aware that I am not judging you. I was in an abusive relationship for three years and I had many a "harsh" words said to me by friends and other posters, but once I was out and in a better state I understood the message that they were trying to convey to me. You may be called selfish, and I was told eventually I was to blame for my abuse because I was not leaving the relationship. They were right. It got to a point where I was being severely verbally abused on a semi-regular basis and I was trying to reach out for help and people were like "But you wont leave....".

I can say this about you with treatment. You may not see it now, but you are choosing to be miserable. You can be happy, you can feel better. You need to seek help immediately...before it is too late.

A huge turning point for me in my relationship was when I was so emotionally distraught over my abuser that I actually contemplated driving my car into a lake I was passing. I screamed...loudly... and reved my engine ready to divert myself and stopped. Why was I going to kill myself over one person who I had only known three years out my entire 28?

You need to have the realization that your life is worth more than constantly wanting to die.