but he also can get upset at times and say things that have shattered all of us.

It is also not fair to be upset about angry words for too long. In relationships, you have to just advocate/stand up for yourself even when it feels uncomfortable. You have to figure out what your musts are in a relationship and figure out how to enforce that. You have to be willing to walk away if they aren't meeting your own personal musts. Sometimes you are going to fight--you have to care enough to fight and listen to each other's POV. There are reasons behind anger (or feeling shattered ) and you have to talk about it and work it out or around it. If you are working around it then you should be able to be open that that IS what you are doing and everyone should understand why. I am improving in this. My H and I's relationship has improved. We are on the same page regarding our children. It is getting better. It hasn't happened automatically. It takes self reflection, discussion, work.