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Originally Posted by justbreathe1994
The more I share my experiences around ex T with new T, it seems like the more surprised and affirming she is of my side. This is very hard for me to take in. I know there are mixed opinions on here about whether the things Ex T did with me were wrong or not, and I for the most part have sided with those who don’t think she did anything wrong (however I know I’ve posted on here when I’ve felt angry hoping for some validation that what she did was wrong). For the most part though, I want to believe she didn’t make mistakes with me. I want to believe her when she said a billion times, “I haven’t done anything wrong!,” she was right and telling the truth.
I have tried to talk myself through this by telling myself that since she authentically did care, it’s okay that she’d tell me that she very appropriately loved me. How would she know how much distress that would cause? I tell myself it’s okay that she and I hung out in my dorm room after an exposure session in my college cafeteria. I try to tell myself that I misremembered when she told me she’d have to think about being friends with me, that she didn’t normally do this with clients but she’d think about it with me. I feel crazy. New T tells me that Ex T was gaslighting me and I’m having a really hard time trusting in my own experience as being real. Maybe I did make everything up? It seems like Ex T sincerely believes she did nothing wrong, so who am I to say she did? She’s the one with two doctorates!
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I understand this dilemma. I wanted to believe, too. I needed help, I wanted somebody to care -- I felt I needed somebody to care, since I wasn't doing so well on my own. I expected and believed that the professional was there to do that.
Mine weren't. Your ex-T wasn't. So sorry you had that bad experience.
I hope that your new T will maintain appropriate boundaries and can help you learn to trust your own experience. Even when you disagree with her. That way, you can have two separate people with two different viewpoints but it doesn't threaten the relationship. I never got to that with a T but I am getting to that with some people in a support group.
It has little to do with how many doctorates somebody has as I expect you know. It has to do with the kind of person the other person is. How solid they are in themselves or something. Frequently, clients are not in a good place to be able to see that clearly. I sure know I wasn't!
It sounds like your new T is solid and interested in helping you learn how to trust your own experience. Sounds more trustworthy to me than your ex-T, but that's for you to decide, even if you don't fully trust yourself yet. One step at a time.