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mckell13 said:
I know I've been here before but I did it again. My last few sessions have gone well. Yet I realized this week that I still insist on dehumanizing the interaction between my T and me.

During my last session I brought with me a chart I had made and some other reflections. This document was something I had created for myself, so was not edited for sharing. Often when I write down my ideas, I write down some personal questions that arise. They are not necessary things I want someone else to answer they are more questions/comments that surface as I write. I often go back and try to answer them myself. I also tend to be a bit sarcastic and direct when questioning myself. Well this document had several these questions among my ramblings ... why do I think that?.. Why do I do that?..Is this related to that some how?

While discussing my ego states, she asked to see the chart I created and I gave her the document not wanting to seem like I am withholding stuff. Of course after looking at the chart, she starts looking though the other parts of the document and I am like --F&^% what else was in there?
Of course she see a few of these questions and reads them out loud and answering them. One of the rhetorical questions was "Why do I seem compelled to disclose this crap to a complete stranger?" My T was like "You always go back to this." She looks right at me and says, "We are not strangers anymore." I felt like %#@&#!!

I find myself asking yet again, Why, after 8 months of interacting with this woman, do I still want to believe that she has no interest in me other than that I provide income for her? I insist on telling myself that I am just some walking pathology to fix? I know many people post about wanting their T's to care for them as individuals, yet I resist this repeatedly. I know it is likely just some form of denial. Like Miss Charlotte's T said, "Why wouldn't you want to be special to me?"

I don't get it. Why do I keep making myself out to be just some nameless freak?

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I don't think you are resisting it, you made a chart knowing some personal questions were written upon it unyet somehow you managed to show T the chart...I think you would have found a way to withold it if it really was a matter of just de-humanising the relationship...its more like your just trying to withold so as to protect yourself just-in-case there is no-one-else on the other end of the relationship...but there is as T did take your chart and did discuss it with you, someone else is there...and to keep feeling they have no interest us in us as persons is just how we felt when very young...we just take a long tiem to come out of the fog and see the other person/T for real....what I find I resist at times now is seeing the real relationship fighting every step as I am brought of my fantasises into the real deal...wanting to love our T's and never hate them is all part of wanting to avoid the real relationship that is in the room....so everyone has resistences but all in different ways...our fantasises of one minute the T being wonderful and the next the devil are all the ways a young child sees people until they learn to intergrate another into a whole...I'd say your on track and not feeling or doign anything different to anyone else in therapy....its how our T's deal with these things that will make the difference ...do they enable us to remain suspended in some peter pan fantasy or do they gently but firmly lead us out of the fog into the real relationship?