I don't get how my brain works and how its ruining my life . i can't control it no matter how hard i try . yes i know i have mental health problems but i don't understand why i can't do what i need to do to improve my life . i repeat the same mistakes over and over and over . im such a freak !

I can't manage my money , I'm in debt , i can't stop binge eating . i live in a pig sty. I never buy clothes , i look terrible . im not naked obviously but the clothes i wear are so old . my TV is broken and has been for about 6 weeks now and i haven't sorted it out still . I've been cut off my contract phone because i was using it to phone physics and make google play store purchases on games even though i knew i shouldn't but i couldn't stop myself .
Now i don't know what to tell my dad about my phone being cut off . if i tell him the truth he will be furious at me and im scared even though i know he wont hit me im just scared of causing him to be disappointed and abandoning me even though im an adult . i can't think of a food realustic lie i can tell him .
My life is such a mess .
Every time i phones the physics they kept telling me im gonna meet a man . 1 i don't want to 2 i barely go out to meet anyone and 3 nobody would want me , im ugly and can't control my life.
Yes i am a freak . i don't know what to do any more .
I think i should give up or consider suicide even though deep down that's not what i want but things are never gonna get better because I've tried and I've tried and I've tried .
Sorry . sorry that i exist and breath air . sorry that i am such a bad patgetic dissapointment