Hello Torment: Thank you for sharing your concern here on PC. I noticed this is your first post. So... welcome to Psych Central.

I'm sorry you are experiencing such difficulty. I can't say as I have experienced exactly what you have. But I have struggled, my entire life, with my own sexuality-related problems. (I'll spare you the details.) The good thing, in my case, is that I'm now 70 years old. So to a large extent it doesn't much matter anymore.

You wrote you struggle with guilt, remorse & suicidal thoughts. But you didn't mention whether or not you're seeing any kind of mental health professional for it. Admittedly I myself have not made a whole lot of effort in that direction either although, looking back, I can see where I probably should have. If you're not actively engaged in some form of mental health services for what you're going through perhaps it might be worth considering? Having the opportunity to talk through these sorts of concerns with someone in real life can be a great comfort.

One additional forum, here on PC, that may be of interest to you would be the Men-Focused Support forum. Here's a link:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/men-focused-support/

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.