Feeling pretty low today. I thought I’d be ok with my father in law’s passing but I’m definitely not. I’m very sad. I cried a couple of tears this morning when telling my coworkers what happened but nothing major. I don’t really cry. I will cry at the funeral though, that I know.i just feel so empty inside. How could we lose someone else so soon? My brother in law just died in October. I wasn’t close with him but still. And I was close with my father in law. I just wish we had gotten a chance to say goodbye. I said goodbye over the phone but have no way of knowing if he heard me or not because atthat point he had already lost the ability to speak. I’d like to believe that he did. But I don’t know what I believe.

I’m not particularly religious so I can’t even take comfort in the fact that he’s gone to heaven. I’m not sure I even believe in heaven. My mother in law is all like well at least he’s with his two sons now but how do I know that? I really don’t think there is life after death. But I guess I can at least take comfort in the absolute fact that he is not suffering anymore. That’s true, no denying that.

I want to smoke so bad. I already smoked a pack. But I’ve heen hiding it from RS. And I feel terrible about not being honest with him. I want to quit so bad. I feel like I have no willpower. I came home and ate my feelings too. So I’m extra fat and I want to smoke.

Ugh. I hope I can prevent this from turning into an episode. I think I will feel better after I say my goodbyes at the funeral.