I have had a really tough life struggling with bipolar disorder. I was only diagnosed 3.5 years ago at the age of 26. Everything had been an insane roller coaster before that. I had struggled so many times with school, sports, and my social life. My mother was diagnosed in her 40s after several suicide attempts and she has it really bad with a host of other problems, but she is stable now. It does cripple her to the point that she is mostly a homebody and does not work at all. I have inherited some of these traits, but I can work kind of.

I have been blessed besides the bipolar thing. I grew up always being taken care of and always had everything I ever wanted or needed. I graduated with a whole bunch of degrees in the math and sciences and engineering also having completed grad school. These schooling experiences always had a semester or two that were really bad especially my last semester or grad school. I had a huge breakdown when I realized I needed a psychiatrist to help me because of how bad I was doing. Well no I’m would see me because I was in a city with a massive school and I couldn’t find a single doctor that was taking new patients until like 6 months after I realized I needed one. I checked myself into the ER one night saying I had to get help and this was the only way. Of course I went into inpatient care and, well was diagnosed from there as being bipolar and have been treated since.

I have now moved on to a “great” job for the last year and 9 months. I have excellent pay and excellent benefits. I have been incredibly stable until this last year. While everything about my job is “great”, I do not like it. I don’t like it because I feel like it is not at all what I had expected it to be. Before this last year I had been great and then boom all down hill from there. I have been working on my meds with my doctor but it has just been getting worse and worse and worse.

My boss has been aware since the beginning that I am bipolar. I have been very upfront with him about it all. I have been able to hide it and maintain it for a while but the last 4-6 months it has become obvious. I was pulled into my managers office and he started off with “You are not in trouble or anything” which immediately made me think “he has noticed”. Well he has and listed off the reasons and said he talked to HR about it just to see how he could help me out better as a manager because he “cares” about me. He’s a manager he has to do and say stuff like this I’m sure because he also mentioned my coworkers are “concerned” about me which I know is not true. The upside is that he said my work has been great, but it’s more my demeanor and connecting with my group that has started to be off. Moving on.

I have not yet met with HR, which is the next step. I don’t know what to tell them except that I have been struggling. I don’t know if they would know what I should do besides typical HR stuff from their HR manual and script. I clearly need to figure out something for myself though so I can get back to being better at work. I know my boss mentioned FMLA to get help and I am sure that HR gave him that idea but I cannot afford to go on FMLA and I don’t think that would be good for me anyways as it would throw me out of any routine. I also do not see the reason since my work is technically fine. I can’t completely afford to go on FMLA either since I bought a house. I am worried though that they may make me by using the almighty powers of HR.

My concerns are that I have ruined my career by this because I ask myself... I hate my job and I want to move on from it, but how can he ever be a reference for me unless I get it together and work there for another 1-3 years as a model employee? I feel like this would make things worse down the line. I feel like there is a hole I have gotten into and I am worried I am becoming like my mother where I won’t be able to work because my bipolar with general anxiety disorder has become so bad.

Living where I am now leaves me with no support group. My family and friends are hours away and my girlfriend I refuse to talk about this stuff with. I have not a single new social friend here since I’ve moved. I don’t want to talk about this stuff with anyone close and I know people are going to say that I should, but I can’t and won’t so please just let that be.

My boss has said that he is right down the road (I bought a house 5 mins from his apparently) and that I can reach out to him if I ever need to. What does that even mean? How can I reach out to him about anything? He is my boss not my friend so it feels like he is just saying that to act like he “cares”.

Have I ruined my career? What do I tell HR without doing more damage to myself? How do I get help so that i can function normally at work at least and not be like my mother so I can make money to support myself and my family? What do I do and where do I go from here? I need help.

I am sorry this is all over the place and long winded but my mind is all over the place lately.