So I dont really know whats going on with me. Im not sleeping well but i'm not really happy or productive anymore and i'm not sure if i'm depressed, i don't think so though. The war inside my head is too much lately and i keep flipping between wanting to get better and saying f*** it.

I started drinking again Friday and haven't stopped so Im back to drinking every night. Today i was freaking out about having no alcohol in the house until iwent and got more.

Drove so far today to see pdoc and really needed to see her to talk about the drinking and not taking meds properly and SH and she wasnt even there for my appt. I cried so much, i dont know what she could have done but i really like her and wanted to talk to her.

I told my T last week things werent working and asked if she had ideaa on how we could work together better. Instead she told me her and her colleagues felt like some more intensive program called psychosocial rehab or an inpatient dbt progam would be better for me.

I just feel let down by everyone and just want to quit. The only person i don't feel let down by is my gp and while i can get in with her quickly i don't think she can help me.

If anyone has an idea what those programs might be like and if they might be helpful let me know please. Im failing and now starting to shut people out even though i know it doesn't help. I need to fix this because every day i care less and its bad already if not too late yet.