Hello Ffcamo: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to Psych Central. One additional forum, here on PC, that may be of interest to you would be the work & careers forum. Here's a link:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/work-and-careers/

I don't know as there is a lot I can suggest to you with regard to this. Reading your post, the impression I'm left with is that you have a job you hate, you're living where you have no support structure, & things are starting to go badly at work. So I would have to say this sounds to me like one of those proverbial "perfect storms".

I'm not an expert with regard to any of this. So anything I write here is just my personal opinion. However my impression is, first of all, that your employer may well be laying the groundwork for getting rid of you. You should be cognizant of that. Second I would suggest that, given your mental health issues, living where you live with no support structure may simply not be realistic. You know... there's what we imagine we'd like to do in life, & what we perhaps fantasize we ought to be able to do, & then there's the reality of what's actually workable given the realities of our situation. One can, perhaps, push the boundaries a bit. But there is a limit. It may be you're simply too far outside of what you can tolerate at this point in your life given your mental health concerns.

I know you're feeling as though you need to hang in with your current employer for another year or so & be a model employee so that you can get a good reference. But given your circumstances, I wonder how realistic that is. The cold hard reality may be that your employer is looking to show you the door as efficiently as possible. And, if that's the case, having that occur will definitely not look good on your resume. The good thing here, it sounds like to me, is that your employer hired you knowing you had a diagnosed mental illness. So I would presume you may have some protections under the Americans with Disabilities Act. I would think you would definitely want to consult someone who has expertise in that area (an attorney?) regarding what your rights are in this situation.

You mentioned not wanting to talk about your situation with anyone close. I personally would never recommend that anyone do that. My personal opinion (again) is that one's friends & relatives don't really want to hear about this stuff. They'll put up with it for a longer or shorter period of time depending on how important you are to them in their lives. But they have their own problems & they don't know what to say or do about yours. That's why, although I've never had much luck seeing therapists myself, I think it can be benefical to see a therapist because, since you're paying them for their time, they're going to be willing to listen. Plus, assuming you have or can find one you feel comfortable with, they'll have the skills to help you work through the details of your situation. It is true, I believe, that having the opportunity to talk things through with someone in real life can be a great comfort.

You asked if you've ruined your career. No I seriously doubt you've ruined your career. I do think it's going to be very important that you avoid falling into that kind of catastrophic thinking. You have a lot of years ahead of you yet. But it's possible you may be in a precarious position at the moment. There is a danger here that, unless you find a way to take the bull by the horns so to speak & get out in front on this, you may find yourself in a position where other people (your boss, HR, etc.) may make your decisions for you. And, ultimately, the company you work for (including your boss & HR) is going to take care of itself first.

Anyway... these are my thoughts with regard to your post. I hope you find PC to be of benefit.