I feel conflicted about it(though I feel that way about most things in life)

I have seen 3, and all 3 times it was forced on me. Once when I was a child and my life was very chaotic. Once as a teen after an attempt and now as an adult with my first episode having SI/HI two years ago. Every time, except the most recent, I have quit as soon as I was allowed.

I have never found it helpful, I enjoyed it at first as an adult because I have no friends to talk to but it slowly became tedious and I feel it is futile now. At this point I have stopped responding to my T and have not booked another appt. She wants to refer me to a more intensive program and I wish I could believe it would help but I mostly believe I am beyond help and am tired of wasting time on it.